TELEPHONE - LADY GAGA & BEYONCE REVIEW

What follows is the transcript from a video taken as my brother and I watched Lady Gaga's latest creative opus, Telephone.

Alex: Ok, what the fuck is this "Telephone" video clip everyone is talking about!

Alex: Everyone's like "OH MY GOD IT'S THE BEST THING EVER!"

Rob: *Singing the harmonies for The Drums' Best Friend without paying much attention.*

Alex: *Watching* She got sent to prison by the looks of it.

Alex: ...Where she should be.

Rob: For crimes against humanity?

Alex: *Reading the on screen credits as they appear* Lady Gaga, and Beyonce.

Alex: ...And Tyrese Gibson.

Alex: ..."Prison for bitches"? Really?

Alex: "You're going to swim out of here in your own blood bitch"?

Alex: ...Why are these women wearing make-up in jail!

Alex: Pretty sure those outfits are inappropriate.

Alex: Already this seems like a bullshit video.

Rob: Did they just strip her completely naked??

Alex: "I told you she didn't have a dick."

Alex: Is this actually a music video or what?

Alex: Fucking hell how edgy is she!

Rob: *Says nothing*

Alex: She's so edgy. She's wearing sunglasses made of cigarettes, if that's not edgy I don't know what is.

Rob: Which gang is she going to join?

Alex: What the fuck is this shit?!

*Watching as she awkwardly makes out with the lesbian who is almost certainly a dude.*

Alex: Oh my god, did you just see that product placement!

Rob: Nah, didn't see.

Alex: Virgin Mobile!

Alex: *Rewinds* Wait for it...

Alex: Virgin Mobile!

Alex: Oh look, now there's bitches fighting.

Alex: This looks like a UFC action replay.

*The "music" aspect of the video finally begins, 2:55 into the clip*

Alex: *listening to the song itself* ...Fucking hell she's ugly.

Alex: She's got CANS in her hair!

Rob: ...Yeah she is awfully ugly hey.

Alex: Where's Beyonce! Where is she? Cause I am getting sick of this!

Rob: Let's hope, er, let's hope shes wearing the... prison attire.

Alex: *In an inadvertently high pitch* Is this really, is this REALLY what everyone's going on about?

Rob: I think it's more about the clip.

Alex: No it's not! All the critics are going on about both the song and the clip, like, the calibre of it.

Rob: This is first Lady Gaga song i've ever heard.

Alex: Yeah same.

Rob: Tell you what, I'm not going gaga over it.

Alex: It sounds like...the shit that comes out every couple of months...since the turn of the century.

Alex: Virgin Mobile again.

Alex: There is, there is NO reason to zoom in on that computer at all. It's just to advertise that website.

*Beyonce is finally shown*

Alex: There she is!

*Beyonce speaks her first line: "You've been a very very bad bad girl, Gaga."*

Rob: Yeah, she's a good actress.

Alex: Is this a joke!? Cause it seriously feels like a joke.

*Lady Gaga: "You know what they say, once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger."*

Alex: Yeah, not sure that they do say that.

*Beyonce follows with an equally weak and nonsensical analogy: "You know Gaga, Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broke."*

*Lady Gaga continues "But you can still see the crack in that mother-FUCKER's reflection."

Alex: Seriously?? It's like she's never sworn in her life.

Alex: ...That's it I've had enough.

*Alex closes the youtube window.*

9/10

LIGHTS // ELLIE GOULDING

To be honest, I saw Lights coming a mile away. It's too much for the record label suits to let a female artist with girl next door looks to be anything other than pop. There's no money in it otherwise, and nobody wants that. I also understand how very typical it is for the people who got her to where she is (her original fans) suddenly reject her as soon as she makes it. But that's what's going to happen, people are fickle and the weight of hype is suffocating for all but a select few.

While Ellie Goulding had this charming Electro/Indie/Pop vibe when we first heard her, it's a different girl we're listening to on Lights. Perhaps i'm being a tad melodramatic, but the whole thing feels over-produced and typical. From the album artwork, which will turn everyone but the most stalwart Beyonce fans away in disgust, to the cutesy sentimentality and sappy lyrical work in most of the tracks, it all reeks of a budding young artist steered towards the black hole of despair that is the Top 40 charts by the powers that be. It was obvious with Frankmusik's debut, Complete Me, and it's obvious here.

However like everything, Lights is not without its merits. The opener, Guns And Horses, is exactly what I was hoping for from Goulding with this album. It's catchy as hell but still retains that X-Factor that discerns credible songwriting from manufactured pop. Tracks previously heard and loved by many such as Starry Eyed and Under The Sheets are still there, but little vocal flourishes and production highlights make them sound far more pop than ever before, especially in the former. Your Biggest Mistake is another song that gives us but a glimpse of what could have been, it's a truly compelling track, and the vocal effects utilised remind me once again of Frankmusik, but here it's a great thing, rather than a disappointing similarity.

Which makes me wonder about the tracks that didn't make it on the album. You get a sneaking suspicion throughout the album that this is not her best work, just the stuff deemed least risky by her label.

All of this said, you could do far worse than buy Lights. In a world where people like Lady Gaga can become famous and respected, Ellie Goulding is a breath of fresh air. I sincerely hope this album and her inevitable success doesn't pigeon-hole her for the rest of her career.

5/10

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