What follows is the transcript from a video taken as my brother and I watched Lady Gaga's latest creative opus, Telephone.
Alex: Ok, what the fuck is this "Telephone" video clip everyone is talking about!
Alex: Everyone's like "OH MY GOD IT'S THE BEST THING EVER!"
Rob: *Singing the harmonies for The Drums' Best Friend without paying much attention.*
Alex: *Watching* She got sent to prison by the looks of it.
Alex: ...Where she should be.
Rob: For crimes against humanity?
Alex: *Reading the on screen credits as they appear* Lady Gaga, and Beyonce.
Alex: ...And Tyrese Gibson.
Alex: ..."Prison for bitches"? Really?
Alex: "You're going to swim out of here in your own blood bitch"?
Alex: ...Why are these women wearing make-up in jail!
Alex: Pretty sure those outfits are inappropriate.
Alex: Already this seems like a bullshit video.
Rob: Did they just strip her completely naked??
Alex: "I told you she didn't have a dick."
Alex: Is this actually a music video or what?
Alex: Fucking hell how edgy is she!
Rob: *Says nothing*
Alex: She's so edgy. She's wearing sunglasses made of cigarettes, if that's not edgy I don't know what is.
Rob: Which gang is she going to join?
Alex: What the fuck is this shit?!
*Watching as she awkwardly makes out with the lesbian who is almost certainly a dude.*
Alex: Oh my god, did you just see that product placement!
Rob: Nah, didn't see.
Alex: Virgin Mobile!
Alex: *Rewinds* Wait for it...
Alex: Virgin Mobile!
Alex: Oh look, now there's bitches fighting.
Alex: This looks like a UFC action replay.
*The "music" aspect of the video finally begins, 2:55 into the clip*
Alex: *listening to the song itself* ...Fucking hell she's ugly.
Alex: She's got CANS in her hair!
Rob: ...Yeah she is awfully ugly hey.
Alex: Where's Beyonce! Where is she? Cause I am getting sick of this!
Rob: Let's hope, er, let's hope shes wearing the... prison attire.
Alex: *In an inadvertently high pitch* Is this really, is this REALLY what everyone's going on about?
Rob: I think it's more about the clip.
Alex: No it's not! All the critics are going on about both the song and the clip, like, the calibre of it.
Rob: This is first Lady Gaga song i've ever heard.
Alex: Yeah same.
Rob: Tell you what, I'm not going gaga over it.
Alex: It sounds like...the shit that comes out every couple of months...since the turn of the century.
Alex: Virgin Mobile again.
Alex: There is, there is NO reason to zoom in on that computer at all. It's just to advertise that website.
*Beyonce is finally shown*
Alex: There she is!
*Beyonce speaks her first line: "You've been a very very bad bad girl, Gaga."*
Rob: Yeah, she's a good actress.
Alex: Is this a joke!? Cause it seriously feels like a joke.
*Lady Gaga: "You know what they say, once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger."*
Alex: Yeah, not sure that they do say that.
*Beyonce follows with an equally weak and nonsensical analogy: "You know Gaga, Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broke."*
*Lady Gaga continues "But you can still see the crack in that mother-FUCKER's reflection."
Alex: Seriously?? It's like she's never sworn in her life.
Alex: ...That's it I've had enough.
*Alex closes the youtube window.*
9/10
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